The Answer
by Sandjewel
Summary: Songfic, oneshot. Crowfeather, ravaged with loss and feeling very alone, finds himself looking for a way out...  R and R if you please!


_On the drama... Crowy is a little emo... :P But seriously, it's sad dark songfic, using the song "_Easier to Run"_ by Linkin Park. Read and review! Thanks._

_I don't own Warriors, or "_Easier to Run."

**The Answer**

Pum. Pum. Pum. The only sound that echoed through the eerily silent night was the gentle padding of paws. Clouds covered the sky as a lithe shape ran over the moorland on invisible wings. In the black of the starless night, his smoky pelt blended into the shadows, and he became one with the darkness, only a spirit in a black cloak, running. Running from the past.

His heart throbbed painfully, each beat ringing his tragedy and loss. Two ears pointed forward, hearing nothing but the pounding of his own breath as it engulfed his mind, and he let it. He almost wanted to be incapable of thought; to just let a mortal sound drown out all the thoughts that plagued him. As he ran on. Running from his mistakes.

_It's easier to run  
Replacing this pain with something numb  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here all alone_

His clear blue eyes gazed straight ahead, locked on the future. He saw everything, and yet nothing at all. A strong scent filled his nostrils; a scent he was only too familiar with: Thunderclan. For an instant, his heart jumped with a hopeful feeling, but he pushed it away shamefully, replacing it with spite. He wasn't supposed to want to be anywhere near Thunderclan. He was supposed to be wary of them, almost hateful. At least, that's what his clan wanted to see from him, to prove his loyalty. But he knew it could never be that way for him. He had already tried to turn a cold shoulder to the enemy clan, but he could go on with it no further. He knew his clan had seen that his loyalty was faltering, and they had turned against him.

Suddenly, he was overwhelmed with hopelessness and repulsion. He could run no more, and he collapsed onto his side, his flanks heaving and his ice blue eyes clouded like a foggy dawn. Cool water rushed around him, tickling his paws and ears. His breathing finally beginning to slow, he closed his eyes and prayed to lose himself into the trickling of the stream. He could feel the wetness seeping through his thin pelt, soaking him to the skin, but he received with relief the water's numbing touch. He wanted nothing but to lie there forever. He didn't want to feel or think ever again. Ever.

_Something has been taken from deep inside of me  
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see_

"No Leafpool. Don't leave me…" His voice trailed away. He reached out, desperate to envelop himself in her scent, to entwine his tail with hers and bury his face in her tabby fur. She was speaking foolishly. He didn't want to hear it. He only wanted her. But she pulled away from him.

"I'm sorry Crowsfeather, but my duty lies with my clan. They need me."

"But I need you too. Can't you see that?"

"Yes. But my first priority is to my clanmates, not my heart." Leafpool paused and gently touched her nose to his. "I love you Crowfeather, and I'll miss you more than you can imagine. Never forget me. I'll never forget you."

Crowfeather wanted to reply, but his voice was choked in his throat as warm tears pooled in his eyes. He didn't blink them away.

And with one last anguished look from her beautiful amber eyes, she tore herself away and sprinted away to Thunderclan; to her destiny. Crowfeather had never felt more alone in his life as he stood at the top of the rise, his sadness streaming down his face.

"Don't worry. I won't."

_Wounds so deep they never show they never go away  
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played_

He blinked and found himself staring at the gurgling stream again. Chills rippled down his spine, and he pushed himself to his paws and stood, unsure of what to do now. His gaze flickered to the looming forests of Thunderclan, his own territory in Windclan, and back across the water. She was right there. Only a few pawsteps and he would be in her world. His heart struggled against his common sense, fighting to win and pull him across the border. He wanted so much to just run over without fear, recklessly charge into the enemy territory and find her, and pull her close to him to tell her how much he missed her. But something held him back. She had gone her own way moons ago, rejected her love. Would things be any different?

Overwhelmed with indecision, he glanced down at his paws, only to see the navy blue water tumbling over sandy colored stones smoothed by years of erosion. Suddenly a silver gleam caught his eye. With a fierce intensity, he watched the shining silver as if it were the last thing he could cling to. The sudden realization that it was a fish cast a fresh wave of guilt and utter anguish over his heart as he thought of his first fishing lessons, seasons ago. Painful memories he had visited so many times before flashed once more in his head.

"Feathertail, no!" His cry of agony reverberated around the cave as the dust began to settle. "You can't die! I love you, more than anything! Come back to me!"

A gentle voice mewed in his ear, "Crowpaw, she has gone to join Starclan. There is nothing we can do. She died a valiant death."

Crowpaw whipped his head around and glared at Brambleclaw, pouring all his hatred out on him. "She died saving me! I should be dead in her place. It's all my fault. If I had been quicker, she would still be alive!"

Before the strong tabby warrior could answer, he turned away and ran to the entrance to the cave, coming to a halt before the waterfall. There he stood, just staring at the great wall of endless water. Staring, and willing the guilt to go away.

"I'm so sorry Feathertail. I'm so sorry…"

The only reply was the gentle whisper of wind through his fur. And then all was quiet.

_If I could change I would_

_Take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would_

_If I could stand up and take the blame I would_

_If I could take all the shame to the grave I would_

His mind unexpectedly made up, he rose and waded across the creek. Not even bothering to shake the water from his pelt, he took off into the forest, dodging branches and dips in the earth. The musky scent of Thunderclan swirled in his nose, bringing back memories of Leafpool. Her sleek fur, her bright eyes, so full of kindness and caring, the warmth of touch as she sat beside him, the rumble of her purr.

Then the sweet smell hit him across the face like an enemy paw in battle. At first he thought perhaps his daydreaming was causing him to imagine things, but then he realized it was real. His heart skipped a beat. Leafpool! All caution forgotten, he crashed through the undergrowth toward the scent. He only stopped when he heard another, unfamiliar voice.

"Sorry Leafpool. It's just that I couldn't sleep."

And then her melodic mew, "Well, I know how that feels." Suddenly, she lifted her nose to scent the air, and her whole body tensed. She knew that scent by heart. But… it couldn't be? He wouldn't…

"Jaypaw, you really should get back to camp. It's almost moonhigh, and you need your sleep. Go back to the medicine cat den and try to get some rest."

"But I…" the young cat's voice protested.

"Now."

"Fine!" he replied, but an edge of suspicion hung on his voice as he stalked off, lashing his tail.

As his pawsteps died away, Crowfeather stepped out from the shadows.

"Isn't it a bit late to be out with your apprentice?" he mused playfully.

Leafpool did not smile. "What are you doing here?" she hissed, a forced hostility plain in her voice.

He faltered. "I-I miss you. I need to be with you again."

Her eyes flashed with sadness, but she quickly hid it behind a shield of anger. "Why can't you just stay in your own clan?"

As he took a step forward to counter her, she stepped back, ears flat against her head. "You're not welcome here." And with that, she took off into the heart of the forest, leaving Crowfeather standing in shock, despair ripping his heart in two.

_Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past  
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have  
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back  
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past_

"I'm sorry I put you through all that, Leafpool. I never should have allowed myself to fall in love again, not after Feathertail. It was my mistake. I ruined your future with my foolishness. You were slain at my claws."

_If I could change I would_

_Take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
If I could stand up and take the blame I would  
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would  
If I could change I would_

_Take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
If I could stand up and take the blame I would  
I would take all my shame to the grave_

And then he understood. There was only one answer. With one last glance at the place where she had stood, he turned and ran off into the horizon with boundless energy. He felt so empty, and yet there was no fatigue or exhaustion. He could run forever. Clearing the stream in one bound, he galloped across the prairie, taking in the familiar smells and sounds one last time. Everything seemed so rich and young, but he didn't care anymore. For him, the world had lost its joy. There was only him, and the eternal darkness that fell over everything that had once meant something to him.

__

Just washing it aside  
All of the helplessness inside  
Pretending I don't feel misplaced  
It's so much simpler than change

Past fields and grasslands. Past a twoleg nest and fence. Past small wooded areas and ponds, he ran. Not once did he look back. The only thing that he saw was the might mountain range looming before him. He ran onward, his paws soaring over the ground. He was leaving all of it in the past, for it meant nothing to him anymore. There was nothing left to love.

_It's easier to run  
Replacing this pain with something numb  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here all alone  
_

His paws touched hard stone and he felt the cool air begin to whip through his fur. He scrambled up the rock face, bounding from boulder to boulder while scrabbling to get a grip on the cliffs. He winced as pain shot through his body from snagging claws on rocks, and he could smell the tang of blood as it seeped through his torn pads, but he continued on. He would be there soon.

_It's easier to run_

At last he stood atop a great peak, leading to a dizzying drop into the ravine below. Sharp rocks jutted upwards unwelcomingly, their pointed claws unsheathed menacingly. A cold breeze blew over him, almost lifting him off his paws. He craned his neck to gaze at the sky as the clouds parted, revealing a clean cut crescent moon and thousands of stars. They gleamed above him, beckoning to him. This was the closest he had ever felt to Starclan, and he reached a paw to the sky, imagining he could scoop up a star and hold it to his chest. Finally, he could right his wrongs; end his earthly suffering. The answer.

_If I could change I would_

_Take back the pain I would_

_Retrace every wrong move that I made_

One star shone more brightly than the others, and he purred as his blue eyes glazed over. A silver star.

"I'll be there soon. I love you, and I've been waiting for the day we could be together again."

Then he turned his head to face the direction he had come. He could see the lake shimmering as the very first ray of dawn broke over the horizon, bringing daylight to wake the clans.

"And I know someday I will see you again. Never forget me Leafpool. I'll never forget you."

_It's easier to go_

He closed his eyes and with one last, deep breath of acceptance, he jumped. He was not aware of his body, nor the whistling in his ears, nor the air that pulled at his pelt as he plunged. Only the peace that surrounded him, and the light ahead. The answer.

_If I could change I would take back the pain I would  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
If I could stand up and take the blame I would_

There was one fabric of an instant of white hot, searing pain, and a whirl of color as his vision was bombarded with gray and black and red. And then, there was nothing but stars.

_I would take all my shame to the grave_


End file.
